Are you being rotated? The Mitchell Johnson story (or “How Mitch became a zombie”)
Melbourne. Boxing Day 2012. Some hotel somewhere.
The team has gathered.
Pup appears with the team list for the Test match due to start that morning and, like a swarm of bees abuzz with honey excitement, the players surround him.
There is happiness and disappointment, tears and tantrums. Starc slams a door as a murmur rumbles through the cream clad bodies Johnson?Johnson?Johnson?What? Really?
“Surely it’s a mistake, Pup?” someone whispers in urgent tones.
“It is a mistake,” comes the hushed reply, “Mickey couldn’t find the “S” on the keyboard. We’ll just have to live with it, ok?”
The lone figure of Mitchell Johnson is sitting in the corner, coffee in hand, touch-and-feel board book in his lap, completely oblivious to the events unfolding before him. A shadow is cast over Peter Rabbit’s cute and fluffy cotton tail; Mitchell looks up.
“We need you today, Mitch,” Pup says to him.
“Uh oh!” Mitch replies.
Move scene to the MCG: the sun is shining; the sky is blue. Mitchell is tossed the ball. He looks confused for a moment. The crowd laughs. Mitchell looks down at the ball; up at his Mum sitting in the stands with a box of biscuits for him and he can’t stop the tears coming.
Poor Mitchell. He knows, as everyone knows, that he’s passed it and that even the new kid could show him a thing or two.
A hand touches his shoulder. It’s Dilshan. “Fear not, Mitchell” he says sweetly (for that is Dilshan’s way), “several of my players and I are on the payroll of the ECB. We’ll let you have a few wickets so that Cricket Australia keep you on for the Ashes.”
Mitchell smiles and promptly takes four wickets. The collective sob of Australian cricket fans everywhere will echo across the land every Boxing day for ever and ever and ever …
And that, my friends, is how Mitchell Johnson joined Punter in the zombie patrol.
That’s why ZombiePunter could finally retire: the zombie presence in the AUS XI was secure. (Greatly helped by having a ghoul chair the Selectors’ Committee.)
Why on earth is wordpress making me approve you again? Strangeness.
As you can see, I can’t believe Mitch actually did well. It has to have been an ECB conspiracy. And they win – now we get ZombieMitch forever more.
I logged in using my twitter account; can’t remember my WordPress password.
I think we’re stuck with ZombiePony. Unless he goes for gazillions of runs and takes no wickets in the second innings.
PS. He looks a bit like Frankenstein’s monster in that picture; maybe they put him together with parts from other bowlers?! Has anybody actually seen Hilfy or Starc or Sexy Harris or Holland or Cummins or any of those other so-called injured or ‘rotated’ bowlers recently?
Oh hell – maybe that’s what really happened to Starc? And they couldn’t use bits of Twatto, no?
So, wait, Sri Lanka are going to bowl badly to Twatto in hope he makes a century?
Actually, that’s okay, doesn’t matter how badly they bowl, Twatto will still find some way to bail out on 47. Phew.
No, they’re deliberately getting out to Mitch so he stays in the side. You are right though – no need to worry about Twatto doing things right and getting more than 47. He’ll be in the side regardless.
Not only does Sri Lanka gift ZombiePony wickets, they gift him runs as well. *blergh*
Oh no … I haven’t looked yet … still lying in bed. I’ll be back.
Oh for Christ’s sake! Even Twatto got runs.
Laura, he got passed that 47 mark, so maybe you were right. They ARE gifting him runs as well as ZombiePony.
All of this just adds credence to my ECB conspiracy theory, but even I had no idea how deep it goes. The ICC should be notified.
Man of the Match. *double blergh*
Give me strength. Presumably the Lankans weren’t really all injured but figured their mission was complete so copped out. They have all that money from the ECB now, anyway.
Well, I enjoyed watching the bits of his batting and bowling that I saw and the big goon definitely deserved MoTM.
Even worse, I thought he bowled better than Starc did at the WACA against SA and out fielded just about anybody else in the entire SA v Aus series.
But I DON’T WANT HIM ON THE ASHES TOUR.
We all know it will end in tears.
There’s a fair chance it will end in tears anyway. I say let’s at least embarrass ourselves any more than having Twatto will already do.
I think I could put up with team tears a bit better without watching Johnson’s individual looks of confusion, empty-headedness and eventual tears at how any sporting ability at all – and he’s got loads – deserts him in the Ashes.
He may get taken out by a contracted killer this time if he gets selected.
That empty headed look, the “what is a ball?” confused face is so much fun, isn’t it? Sadly, the females seem to love it. If he wasn’t so pretty (so they tell me, anyway), people wouldn’t defend him so hard methinks.
And on that happy note, HNY!
You, too x
I almost forgave SL today since they managed to not give ZombiePony any wickets at all. yay! (And a relatively crap ER, too!)
I saw that. Good stuff from J-Bird, I see as well. Maybe we can de-zombify the pony yet. He’ll never carry the hero role off the way my Mussey does, though.