Ask Twatto a question …
We here at the Dustbin were informed that Fox Sports had organised a live question and answer session with Shane Watson. All of our questions were refused for some reason. I can’t understand why – I maintain that it is in the interest of the whole of Australia to know if it’s true that Pup beats him with a bag of oranges before every match.
Anyway, in light of this we decided to have our own little question and answer session with the young man (and his mother). We asked people to email in questions for him, which we then read out to him.
The following is a transcript of the event*:
Q: Do you really think you can stay in the side if you aren’t bowling? Cricket Australia have made it pretty clear that if you’re not playing as an all-rounder, you’re pretty well pointless.
A: Umm … I don’t know … what is an orerounder? I was told only words with two syll … sylla … with two word bits or less. Mum!
[at this point, Mrs Watson intervened: "No more big words. You know it upsets him. One more and we're leaving."]
Q: Early last month, when you had been moved down the order to number four, you said you wanted to bowl more. Now you say you want to give up bowling and open the batting again – what’s going on? Why all the changing?
A: I like to bat first and I don’t like Dave much. He steals my nail varnish. I want to bat with him more often so I can run him out sometimes. It’s fun.
Q: You have been prone to injury … I mean, getting hurt … don’t you think playing in the IPL might be just one thing too many?
A: But the Indees … people in India are the only ones who really like me. If I don’t play there, I will only have my wife and my mum to praise me.
Q: Have you had to rethink your training to try and avoid more inju getting hurt?
A: Not really. Mum says my hurties are just part of the game, but I have bought a new hairbrush and I’m having my nails done more often.
Q: Doesn’t it bother you that the whole of Australia cringes with shame every time you talk to the media?
A: Med … ? Me, what? Mum?
[Mrs Watson intervened again: "I'm sorry, we're stopping the session. You were warned about the syllables. Come on, Shane."
"Ok, Mum. Did I do good? Can we get ice cream on the way home?"]
As you can see, it was not a great success. And I still didn’t get to find about about those oranges.
*Twatto actually declined to show up.This post is complete bullshit. Don’t sue me.
He doesn’t want to bowl today but wants to open the batting. Tomorrow he will want to bowl and bat at 11. The day after that, he’ll want to open the bowling AND the batting. The day after that…
The day after that he’ll want to be keeper. Remember the days when the Aussie coaching team and CA would’ve let him? It wasn’t that long ago.
Aw, poor Twatto. I still can’t believe he wrote an autobiography with words and no pictures. Still a good read, though. Didn’t read anything about the oranges, I guess he’s keeping things secret.
I might read it one day just out of curiosity. Did he really write it or was it ghosted? For ghosted, read “drawn with crayons then translated to a ghost writer by a psychiatrist.”
He’ll go a bit zen soon and we will read in cricinfo that he wants to be a bat. Then he’ll change his tune on that and decide that he want sto be the ball. I can just see him standing out near the centre of the ground chanting ‘be the ball, be the ball’.
Expand your mind Shane; see the whole pitch – be the ball … Yeah, I can see it. Assuming he can remember the chant, of course.