Thoughts from the Dustbin

… almost the width of Gatting

The Alternative Allan Border Medal 2014

It’s that time of the year again – when fake tans come face to face with dress tape and hair bleach and, at some point, someone awards a medal to a piece of facial hair. Without further ado, here are the awards Dustbin style:

First up is the “I think a pinata threw up on me” award:



The “Sorry folks, I lost my bra” award:


The “Ye gads, when can I stop holding my breath?” award:



The “Yes, I am still married to him, can everyone please stop asking why?” award:



The “I couldn’t decide between a skirt and a dress so I wore both” award:



The “Oops, I spilled a bottle of fake tan all over myself” award:



The “How many lizards went into this dress?” award:



The “Yes, I’m thin but just what IS my obsession with shoulder pads?” award goes, for the second year running, to Jess Bratich:



And, finally, the big one: the annual “I’ve used a whole roll of dress tape” award goes to potentially its youngest ever recipient, Medeline Hay:


Anyone you think should be here but isn’t? Feel free to add below. I’d like to say that I thought Nathan Coulter-Nile girlfriend/wife looked fabulous. I couldn’t find anything to mock and you know how much that hurts.


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7 comments on “The Alternative Allan Border Medal 2014

  1. Betti W. Woo
    January 20, 2014

    Mrs Clarke looks like she’s been inspired by the impending Winter Olympics’ figure skating competitions. That trompe l’oeil ‘nude’ nylon stuff was particularly awful; in the stream it looked kind of greyish.

    I don’t understand Mrs Cowan’s dress. Is she about to get married? In the 1960s?

    Mrs-Almost Siddle looks like she has Haley Bracken aspirations. I’m not sure I think it’s working all that well for her. I also think that she looked starved: very sunken eyes and lanky hair. Siddle should feed her some of his bananas.

    Mrs Twatson’s head is getting bigger and bigger. She’s starting to look like a bobble doll.

    Mrs Pony’s shoulder pads aside, I really liked her 1940s look: the colours, the back, and the Veronica Lake hair. She was my best-dressed of the night together with Mrs Haddin, who looked incredibly chic in black.

    Ellyse Perry’s outfit was nice, but she should have done something with her hair. It just hung there and sort of ruined the look. Mag Lanning looked adorbs. So did Pat Cummins – his hair in particular.

    Best of the Night: NO AWARDS AT ALL TO TWATSON! (Who arrived in an ill-fitting suit without any kind of tie.)

    • kirbymeehan
      January 20, 2014

      Mrs Pony usually looks great, even the year her virtually transparent dress blew up and showed the world her knickers, but those shoulder pads! Did she lose a bet or does she really think they look good?

      Mrs Almost Siddle: She looked angry and anorexic. Quite scary, if I’m honest. I don’t think she’s ever eaten a banana in her life. Or a full meal.

  2. lou
    January 20, 2014

    Mr and Mrs AB Medallist always look cute as… and Leah/Lee does us all a massive favour by not being photographed with Whiney Face.

    I love Rhino but he doesn’t really do the evening wear look very well, does he? Looks like he’d be better off in a wifebeater and a pair of stubbies.

    • Betti W. Woo
      January 20, 2014

      Although I think you’re sadly right about Sexy Harris, I don’t think that particular suit did him any favours: it looks about three sizes too small for one thing (the trousers are pulling every which way everywhere, and I refuse to believe that he could button up that jacket even if he wanted to) and so shiny! I wanted to see him in a well-cut tux with a proper bowtie.

  3. lou
    January 20, 2014

    I just had a look at more photos. NCN’s partner looked great, kind of like a normal person only incredibly stylish if you know what I mean. They looked lovely together.

    Badhands Haddin and his wife looked real too which was nice.

    I like Mrs AB Medallist’s dress more now that I saw it was duo colour and her hair was fab. Even with Mr AB ‘scared the shit out of the poms instead of my own team’ Medallist looking like a scruffy pisshead, she and Mitch managed to be the cutest couple

    So many of the women looked like they were trying too hard and weren’t that comfortable in what they had chosen.

    • Betti W. Woo
      January 20, 2014

      Just like last year, I liked Bratich’s dress in the ‘moving pictures’ much better than in the stills; but even with the somewhat oddly stuffed top of those sleeves, I actually really liked this year’s offering overall. And they are an adorable couple: she appears to be such a charming person and he keeps traipsing after her looking like he still can’t quite believe that someone so wonderful is his wife. It’s adorable.

      I agree with you on many of the women looking try-hard and not entirely comfortable. I wonder if the straightening out the chaotic dress code might help? I mean, half the men are in tuxedos and half in suits (shiny, shiny suits) and Twatson without a tie even. To me, some of those women look like they’re standing there feeling completely and uncomfortably overdressed.

      In general, I thought it was a bad hair year: some of those women look like they got all glammed up and then just abandoned the whole project before the hairdresser got to them. Yes, I’m looking at you Mrs Clarke & ‘Mrs’ Siddle, but you weren’t the only ones.

      • lou
        January 21, 2014

        That’s what I like about the Bratiches too, Mitch looks like he adores the ground she walks on. It’s very sweet and so human. He never bothers hiding it at all, I don’t think he can.

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This entry was posted on January 20, 2014 by in Allan Border, Allan Border medal and tagged .
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