Then they said he shouldn’t be in the Ashes squad. He must be punished. He has let Australia down, let us all down with profanity. Australians never swear! For shame, David, for shame. You must be dragged naked across a floor cover with upturned nails and cut lemons!

Well, maybe he was a bit stupid, but I’m here to put things in perspective. Davo swears on twitter and so does everyone else. To illustrate, here are some tweets by other Aussie players on Saturday:

So, let’s not get carried away, ok? They’re all pricks.

Filed under: cricket, David Warner ]]> http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com/2013/05/20/keeping-perspective-on-david-warner/feed/ 3 gal-port-wbCRIClyon-600x400 kirbyakasid Matt Wade Haddin Twatto Clarke Lyon http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com/2013/05/11/the-ten-ashes-commandments-for-australians-with-more-than-a-hint-of-desperation/ http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com/2013/05/11/the-ten-ashes-commandments-for-australians-with-more-than-a-hint-of-desperation/#comments Sat, 11 May 2013 17:05:13 +0000 kirbyakasid http://thoughtsfromthedustbin.com/?p=4096 Continue reading →]]>

Pup is the lord your God, who brought you out of Ponting land and into the land of him being the only one who can actually bat.

1. You shall have no other Gods before Pup. Except possibly Sexy Harris.
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, unless it is that of Alistair Cook into which, in desperation, you may wish to poke forks in the manner of the Voodoo.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord Pup in vain. Unless we are losing. So, I guess we can vain it up and blaspheme away. All summer long.
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For this shall be the fourth day of many a test, during which we should feel inclined to pray for a miracle or rain. Anything that will help.
5. Honour your quicks and hope they stay in one piece for as long as possible. With the exception of Twatto, who’s bound to break a fingernail and need a rest for a test or two no matter how hard we hope.
6. You shall not commit murder. Unless Stuart Broad is being all good. That’s just annoying.
7. You shall not join the Barmy Army in singing mockery songs about Twatto. And you certainly shall not help them write one or two. Definitely not. No way. Not ever.
8. You shall not steal other people’s accents in order that you may hide while the locals are being smarmy gits*.
9. You shall not bear false witness against Nathan Lyon and say things like “I always thought he’d do well” when he kicks some arse**.
10. You shall not covet thy neighbour’s little urn, even though they stole it and you really want it back. Actually, screw that one. Covet away. It’s all we’ve got.

*very breakable
**unlikely to be an issue, I’m just covering myself

What it is proving to be however, is good practice for the Ashes, during which I imagine I will be sitting with my head in my hands a lot of the time shouting “why did you play that?” “How could you not catch that?” and, “Yes, I am changing my citizenship!”

It’s going to be a long summer.

But I am looking to forward to one or two things, I won’t lie. First, the onus is on the Barmy Army to come up with some new songs since Mitch Johnson will be absent. That should prove a challenge for a bunch of cross bred blokes for whom two syllable words prove a veritable challenge.

I’m looking forward to the champions trophy, with George Bailey and all the joys that will come when Mitch Marsh discovers a whole new array of beers. I hope he manages to bowl better than he has done in the fIPL, but if not he knows how to ease the pain.

I’m planning on a summer long pisstake of Shane Watson, so that should be fun. Unlike the last Ashes, for which I created the Ashes retrieval countdown, I’m keeping it real this time. I am under no illusions that we are rubbish and are going to get our arses kicked, but I look forward to some of this:

And, when that hasn’t done any good and Mitch Marsh’s medicine has worn off, I’ll treat myself to one of these:

That should ease the pain. And now I must go pretend I know something about Worcestershire CCC.

Another positive is that some of the Aussies have done well in the first round of County Championship matches. Cowan looked pretty good for Notts; Bailey pulled Hants out of a bit of a hole in that first innings, Chris Rogers is still the main man at Middlesex and Simon Katich was his usual fabulous self (at Lancashire this year).

On the negative, there is another Twatto in the world, IPL rattles on and our frighteningly bad tour of India has got us all pondering whether Rogers, Katto and Bailey might get a chance for Australia this summer based on the above performances. We’re all soft in the head, of course, because Cricket Australia will never choose Rogers or Kat. They could be superb players – and they sort of are – but they were mean to CA (or just played too well against them) so they are out, buddy.

Bails might be different, though, and I want to let it be known that I am not the only one out there who would like Our George to get a shot. It’s true: I’ve even been given advice on getting to heaven because I said so. Check this:

“The reason I favorited your tweet is so that you would see my link about going to Heaven”

The tweet he favourited, but the way, was this one.

So, now I know how to go to heaven and it’s because of George Bailey. Fact.

I know it’s all true, because I saw it on twitter.

P.S. I responded to Ron. I’ll leave to you to find out how. It involved chocolate.

Shockingly, it appears that the true reason Cricket Australia are not releasing the list is because they are simply unable to find 30 names to go on it. The following is a list of 20ish people being considered for the tournament:

• Michael Clarke
• Phil Hughes
• George Bailey
• Some bloke who once made a one handed catch in the crowd at the MCG
• Usman Khawaja
• Dave Hussey
• My cousin’s dog
• Aaron Finch
• Nathan Lyon
• Ellyse Perry in a fake Mosey ‘tache

• A clown who recently retired from the Lennon Bros circus
• Steve Smith
• Mitchell Starc
• The guy who tackled the Pakistani player to the ground at the WACA that time
• Shaun Marsh
• Adam Voges
• Moises Henriques
• Xavier Doherty’s girlfriend
• Dave Warner

And, finally, it seems that Shane Watson is only on the probably probable list – alongside the inanimate traffic cone that has been hoping for a call up for some time. Cricket Australia are yet to decide which of the two will be the most use.

We understand it’s quite a tough call.

Things I already knew:

• We can’t play spin
• Shane Watson is a prat
• People still have faith in Mitch Johnson for some odd reason
• Steve Smith is just wrong
• No one has faith in Glenn Maxwell
• No one has faith in the Australian batting
• No one has faith in the Australian bowling
• No one has faith in our selectors
• No one thinks Australia will win the Ashes
• “LOLstralia” isn’t as clever as some people seem to think

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go work on my Mitchell Johnson impression. I need a cricket bat and some space to blandly stare into.

Now, we don’t piss about here, as you know. We’ve gone all the way and given you the full Merve. Long may give you the power.

P.S. Pup – a little less with the quacking, eh?

The essay question given was this (and this is verbatim):

In an attempt to resurrect your career (not guaranteed – Cricket Australia: because we can), compare and contrast the utter shitness of the Australian team with the Indian team in at least 500 words and in which you say at least one bad thing about yourself and one good thing about the selectors.

The following is what the Mohali Four handed in, carelessly flouting all judgement as they did so:

Johnson’s piece was called Wy Im pritty bluddy good and wont to be rowtatered into the teem NOW.

Despite the spelling, it actually sounds okay. Unfortunately, it turned out to just be a note written and signed by his mum that said “if you let my little schnookums play, I’ll make sandwiches.”

Twatto’s piece was not an essay at all, but a finger painting of him wearing a cape and a crown and waving the Ashes above his head. While this picture won’t be a shock to anyone, it was decided that suppression was best for the pride of Australians everywhere as he spelled his own name wrong.

Usman wrote an epic poem about a good knight named Usman, who conquered Pontingland and killed their king but who then  turned out to be a fairly inconsistent ruler (although he always got drinks to his people in good time). It was decided that his thoughts weren’t really what they’d asked for.

James Pattinson, it is believed, actually did do the assigment. His work included a ten page breakdown of the highs and lows of the first two tests, why rotation is not a good idea for team morale, thoughts on the future of spin in Australian cricket and a paragraph on why Michael Clarke is a damn fine captain but isn’t perfect and thoughts on where he may improve. There were graphs and a ten minute powerpoint presentation, for which he composed a musical score and light show.

Unfortunately, his dog ate it all.

His removal from the third test may be the harshest of all.

If our current test side were actors, who would they be?

Dave Warner – Thinks he’s Brad Pitt, but is actually just Richard Gere on a really good day.

Ed Cowan – Joseph Mawle. Who? I hear you ask … well, exactly. Little known but talented, quite lovely and with the potential for a big future, if he could just get that one big break.

Phil Hughes – Kaley Cuoco. A bit of an average child star, but having been given the right opportunities looks to be maturing into something quality. We’re still waiting to see if she can make it past that one big hit.

two thirty seven or not two thirty seven, that is the target …

Twatto – Nicholas Cage. Someone once thought he was a good actor and gave him some roles; he’s made the occasional half decent film but now he’s just overhyped shit.

Michael Clarke – Lawrence Olivier (with the looks of Brad Pitt, the sweetness of Jimmy Stewart and the versatility of Kevin Spacey). Enough said.

Matthew Wade – Julia Roberts. Pretty darn good, but only occasionally shows it; insists on constantly giving us utter tripe.

Moises Henriques – a bit of John Travolta and a bit of Ralph Fiennes. Glitzy and cool, with some 70s flare and a name no one is really sure how to pronounce.

Glenn Maxwell – Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not bad at what he does, but is always the most annoying character in the film. You want to slag him off a lot, but then you remember that Capote was great.

Peter Siddle – Steve Buscemi. Not very attractive, but usually pretty good. Sometimes makes you want to smack him across the head with an over ripe pumpkin.

James Pattinson – Dakota Fanning. A big star as a cute little kid, but can she make it in the adult world? So far, so good but time will tell.

Nathan Lyon – Daniel Radcliffe. South Australia’s boy wizard was meant to be the answer to all our spin problems, but without the wand and that funky scar he’s looking a little unsure about his future.

Xavier Doherty – the untalented kid in the high school play that only gets a role when someone else drops out. Was Daniel Radcliffe’s understudy.

Mitchell Starc – Ed Norton. A bit iffy to begin with, but he’s steadily building himself into a quality performer. Still throws up the occasional disappointment.

Comments welcome. Alleviate boredom here.

Note: blame my husband for the Hamlet quote.

Accomanying an article in which Twatto tells us that, had he been bowling in the first test, he would’ve sorted Dhoni right out (uh-huh) the photo is clearly designed to play down the enormous head and play up the arms. The photographer seems to be right on the ground and yet, the head is still only slightly too small on the huge armed torso.

But I’m being unfair to Twatto. Maybe we should let him bowl. Can it really be any worse than our bowling performance in the first test? I say let him at it.

At the very least, we’ll get to mock.